I am, I am, I am

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart: I am, I am, I am.” - Sylvia Plath

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. In fact, it’s been so long that I tried to create a new blog but the inspiration never stuck.

I say I’m back with cautious optimism; a little like the way I’m approaching many aspects of my life right now.

Running, yoga, reading, dog training, my mental health… all appear to be going well but I’ve always had a tendency to get over excited only to watch these things take a nosedive.

But I am back and as much as I’m the same as ever (dog mom, office job, a race in my future, relationship of five years) I feel like I’ve changed.

I think I’m a little quieter but only to be more pensive. I’m working hard on making the relationships in my life more meaningful and dedicating more time to those relationships. I try to see the value in everything I’m doing and taking classes against to progress my future as I apply and patiently wait for my chance to break back into the marketing world. I still really want to run a marathon eventually and I’m still participating in half marathons, but I’m also focusing on enjoying running above all other distance goals. I try to spend as much time as possible outside having found a new love for hiking and trail running, I’ve booked some camping trips with my boyfriend, and I really want to try SUP this summer.

I feel like I’ve grown as a person and am constantly trying to encourage that growth, and I’ve decided I no longer want to use this blog to pretend I’m an expert as something I’m not - I want to use this blog to try new things, share my experiences, and reflect on all the things that make me who I am.

I Signed Up For A Marathon… Then Quit

(An explanation, featuring all the times I truly loved running)

I signed up for a marathon a year in advance thinking it would give me lots of time to wrap my head around the idea of running this distance as well as lots of time to train. A year later (and two weeks out from the race) I no longer have a marathon in my sights. Weeks ago I dropped down to the half and I’m not even fully ready to run that.

So, what happened?

A few things. I got physically sick and fell a little behind in my training. Then I started suffering from depression and could barely get out of bed, let alone run. Then, I found my heart just wasn’t in it.

I thought I had to take my running game to a new level with faster speeds and further distances. I thought that all the blogs I followed were inspiring me, but I think they were making me feel like I needed to compete… and that’s not the fault of the blogs. That’s my own nature.

It makes me feel incredibly sad to admit I’ve fallen out of love with running. Too much structure turned running into a chore instead of being something that made me feel free.

I want my freedom back.

I’m going to run this last race and think about 2016. I’m going to think about what I want to get from running and what will make me happy. I’m going to read the blogs of those I admire and be excited for their accomplishments while keeping my own goals and feelings in check.

As a runner I’m going to work on growing my mental game and see how that affects me physically.

I’m going to run for me. I’m going to be proud of me

Hello, October (I'm Back)

Hello, October.

After a long hiatus I’m back. After struggling horribly with my depression and finding a lack of motivation and inspiration because of it, I’ve started to take a long look at how I’m living my life.

The short story is that I need to do things and write about things that make me happy and I enjoy, and all of the things that define who I truly am.

I’ve started volunteering more, I’ve started adding in runs where I don’t track time, distance, or speed, and I’ve started opening up my eyes and my mind to things I never considered trying before. Hey, I even agreed to go camping (IN A TENT) this summer - something I swore to my boyfriend I would never do.

I think my blog is going to be moving in another direction, one that feels more natural and personal. I’ve laid out a few goals for myself this month to match these changes I’m going through:

• go hiking at least twice
• be more mindful, make more time to journal
• work on my spending/saving habits
• do something nice for someone else

What are you looking forward to in October? 

Struggling with Depression

Lately my depression has become intense. I haven't been this low since I was first officially diagnosed in 2009 and I'm really struggling.

Over the last six years my depression was manageable. I could usually fight my way out of the darkness and had a variety of techniques that I knew worked. Unfortunately they're not working anymore.

I feel lost. I've been research new ways to combat my depression but in the back of my mind I have a feeling I'm going to have to return to medication. I have nothing against taking medication for depression - I know many people that are on anti-depressants and I spent a year on them at the beginning of my diagnosis - but I almost feel disappointed in myself that after all this time I'm starting to lose my fight.

This explains why I haven't been blogging (I haven't even been reading my favourite blogs). My marathon training has taken a backseat. I'm constantly tired and anxious. I always have this horrible gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. Everything I do feels like it takes so much more effort that it should.

Right now, I'm not me. When I am I'll be back but for now I need to heal.

Humidity Woes & Breakfast Salad

Surprisingly back in the winter I was much more dedicated to working out than I am now.  I was getting up early before work, I was doing really well with staying away from all those things I’m constantly trying to cut from my diet now, and I was getting tons of sleep. Needless to say I have not been as dedicated lately, but I did get out for another easy trail run this week.

It was so humid so it looks like I worked much harder than I did. Seriously, all of that sweat came from four easy kilometers.

Of course this guy joined me again.

I don’t know if he’s sad or that he knows I’m feeling down lately, but I’m loving all the puppy cuddles that have been happening.

Also, apparently "breakfast salad" is a thing and I love the concept. All week I’ve been creating my own. It’s pretty plain but I’ve been obsessed with topping raw baby spinach and turkey bacon with two eggs. So amazingly simple but satisfying. 

Can I proclaim once more than I am awful at blogging? I took my boyfriend, Michael, and our dog with me on a hike yesterday and I didn't take any pictures until right at the end when we were cooling off in the water. 

I really want to try this hiking trail again. We hiked less than 7 kilometers but it was so tough! Maybe when it's less humid we'll try hiking further in.

Happy Canada Day!

Happy Canada day! 

I'm typing this on my phone because this is my current view:

It's 9PM and I'm in bed watching What Women Want on Netflix because I really want to get to the gym early tomorrow before work, but mostly because as soon as the fireworks start going off this puppy is going to lose his mind. 

I wish I could credit for this photo but it's all my sister:

For the second year in a row my boyfriend and I went to a Jay's game for Canada Day. 

Good news: The Jays beat the Red Sox!

Better news: I got to devour a ballpark hot dog!

Besides the Home Opener this has got to be the best game of the season. Between the amazing show of Canadian patriotism and the excitement of the sold-out crowd, you can't help but get lost in the atmosphere.

Today was one of those days where you eat junk, you don't exercise, and you in now way benefit your physical health, but your mental health takes a huge boost. Tomorrow I'll avoid the sugar and fit in a workout, but today I'm fighting against depression in a different way.

I hope you had an amazing Canada Day (or an amazing typical Wednesday).

Marathon Training - Week Eight (Here We Go, Again)

Happiest Monday to you!

Slowing but surely my mood is lifting and the depression is lessening. Despite having a grey, rainy weekend I felt content instead of miserable and sleepy, which can happen when I’m struggling with my depression. I am hopeful.

Week past:

I didn’t really talk about it last week but I obviously have cut my distance down. I had originally had drawn out a very slow climb from the half to full marathon distance and was happy with that until I was forced to take a few weeks off. I’m still doing (what I think is) a slow build to the full distance and I’m working up from 18K.

18K was a perfect distance to get myself back into running longer distances, and although it sucks to bring myself back down, it’s exactly what I need.

I wasn’t about to do 18K on a treadmill so I went on one of the wettest runs I have ever done. Not only were my clothes soaked but there were stretches of sidewalk where puddles were completely unavoidable. I ran with wet, heavy shoes for over two hours and gained three blisters. I almost never blister so you can bet I was whining like a baby.

My IT band was extremely sore so I massaged it out and iced it last night. It feels so much better but I’m going to fit in some easy yoga tonight just to be safe.

Week ahead:

Here is my tentative plan for the week. Wednesday is Canada Day and my boyfriend and I have tickets for the Jays game so I’m going to try my hardest to fit a workout in before we have to make our way into Toronto. No promises.

	Morning	Evening
Monday	Rest	Yoga
Tuesday	Legs	Rest
Wednesday	Easy run, arms & abs	Rest
Thursday	Speed training	Volleyball
Friday	Full body	Rest
Saturday	Yoga	Walk
Sunday	LSR (20K)	Yoga

Full disclosure: I’m also planning on devouring the biggest ballpark hot dog I can find.


Do you like to workout on holidays or are they automatic rest days?