Sunday, February 15, 2015

When Healthy Habits Become Unhealthy

Good morning and happy Sunday! I hope everyone had a wonderful Valentine's Day. I bought some fresh bagels and chocolate covered strawberries for my family, and then my boyfriend and I hung out in bed all day with our dog watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Probably the best Valentine's Day ever.

I'm currently hanging out under the covers trying to convince myself to get ready for my day. I've already had breakfast and am working on a mug of hot water and lemon (because my mother broke my heart and finished all the honey), but it's hard to get motivated to move when it's currently -26 outside but feeling like -41. That's just ridiculous.

I do need to get in a 12K treadmill run and pick up some groceries... but the cold! Ugh.

This week was kind of weird. I'm realizing how much my mental state plays into the fitness and healthy lifestyle I've been trying to create for myself. Sometimes it's great and I'm so motivated to workout and eat right despite feeling stressed or tired because of work. Other times I realize how mentally unhealthy I can be when something goes wrong and I instantly feel guilty and criticize myself for my actions (or lack thereof).

For example, on Wednesday I was so hungry. I'm not exaggerating. I haven't felt so truly hungry in a long time, and it seemed no amount of food or liquids could stop it. Basically I ate everything I had planned and prepared for the day, and then I started moving on to other food that was hanging around in my fridge. And I felt so guilty! I know it's because my training is picking up again, and I've also added HIITs and weight circuits to my routine, so I really just need more calories in my diet, but part of me was so racked with guilt and angry at myself that I couldn't control my hunger. I wasn't even digging into junk food; I was being careful with my choices. Even if I didn't need the extra food, I think the guilt I fell into is worse to have than satisfying a little extra hunger.

The following day I had a scheduled massage appointment and had planned to get my workout done in the morning so I could relax between work and my appointment. Instead when I woke up at 5AM to let the dogs out and get ready for the gym, I felt awful. I knew I needed more sleep so I crawled back into bed until I had to get ready for work. I had also skipped my workout the day before because unexpected things had arisen. I felt so guilty on my way to work and I knew I really didn't need to be. So I skipped two workouts... I'm running or at the gym six days a week most weeks, will an off week make a difference? No, not really. In an ironic turn of events I got a call later in the day that my RMT had called in sick and I was able to make up my morning workout anyways.

The thing is, as much as I'm racked with feelings of guilt in situations like these, I'm also strongly aware of how ridiculous and mentally unhealthy it is to feel so guilty. I love working out and I love to enjoy food, but if I continue to obsess over every missed workout or unplanned meal I need to strongly re-evaluate my reasons for trying to live this lifestyle.

I might want to have a strong, healthy body, but more importantly as someone that struggles with depression, having a strong, healthy mind needs to come first.

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